One Month Late

So in true form I am posting my next entry a month later - well more than that! But I wanted to get one last post in before the new year. Yippee dooo.

Christmas is always a hard season for me. I have a small family so gifts are little. This year was difficult because my partner has no income so trying to come up with something he could make for me was difficult. My family is him and my mom so the "materialist" side of me is always bummed when I have maybe three gifts under the tree. I try to convince myself that I hate Christmas because of the jerks and the commercialism. In fact, I miss it terribly. Having dinner with my grandparents, laughing too late in the night over silly stories. But instead I worked on Christmas and the day after and so "Christmas" was about an hour - eating Costco ham and opening two presents. I sent gifts to three of my friends but didn't even get a thank you. Other friends are visiting the area but none made time to see me. I am so alone. I try to convince myself I prefer it that way. But really I'm dying inside.

Because of the holiday my last appointment was December 15th. We went over the ABCD process of reaction toward events.
A = Activating Event - what set me off
B = Belief System - how my beliefs created my interpretation of the event and started my reactions
C = Consequences - how I feel and what I do in response to "A"
D = Dispute - Determine all possibilities associated with "A" to realize that it isn't all about you.

We worked through a few examples of issues I was dealing with. I'm still trying to use it now but I'm so depressed and I don't know what "A" even is. "D" is also hard because it puts me on the path of telling myself I am not special and that the world really would be better without me.

I wish I was good at something. I wish I could be proud of myself somehow. I wish I knew what direction I needed to go.

Not much to say.

Therapy tomorrow.

Not sure what else to say.

Realizing how much I am bored by my job but trying to determine if I am just "running away." I tend to only be with a job for about 3 years before I get bored of both the job and the people. Or maybe all their quirks finally get to me. And I realize that they are NEVER going to change because they are clueless.

Went to a movie tonight. It was almost like date night but I paid...again.

Looked at jobs in the town I used to live in but would be taking $3k/month cut. yuck.

Sigh. and bleh. That's how I'm feeling. When the therapist asks me tomorrow how I'm doing - what do I say? Well, better because I still haven't killed myself but I'm still feeling pointless and worthless.

peace.