Starting it all over

So the lapse in posting is simply due to moving.

After a fiasco and firing the realtor and firing my finance agent both due to extreme incompetence and losing what was the house of my dreams...

well.

Something amazing happened.

I found a house better than the house of my dreams. And I bought it.

Three days before we were to list grandma's house (fighting the whole time with "his" mom about it), something amazing happened... we received a letter from grandma's care center forcing a sale on the home.

I had an original goal of moving out by August 31st.

September 2nd the old house closed.

Granted it wasn't nearly that easy. There were many fights with the new realtor, packing, a ridiculous amount of painting and learning that home remodel isn't for me - but those are other stories I'll get to later.

For now it is an amazing sensation to want to go home after work. To miss my home when I'm gone.

I think some would call me happy.

Packing and moving

So many ups and downs.

Grandma's insurance dropped her because she wasn't doing PT. Well, she has dementia...so of course she wasn't.

Now suddenly the house has to sell.

I have no down payment.

We have too many animals.

The loan I can get takes three times longer than a standard loan.

My house requests are 4+ acres (because of the animals) and it must be on a specific side of a highway (yes, for the loan). My realtor just sent a (beautiful) home on 1/2 an acre, corner lot, on the wrong side of the highway.

Shoot me.

SO right now I have no where to live. A loan that may, or may not, happen, and realtor who just doesn't get it.

Anxiety attack on standby. And 4....3....2...

Learned today that grandma (who fell again) is now refusing physical therapy so her insurance will be dropping her. What that means is that we (the beau and are) are potentially up a creek. I have no money available for a down payment on a house and have less than idea credit. He has no credit. We have five dogs so finding a simple rental isn't in the process.
So I am now in the process of finding everything we could potentially sell  including my car to have enough for any type of down payment. I know I'm not supposed to contingency plan but how can you not?! This is my life. Not the life I ever wanted or expected but this shit keeps happening - over and over. I cannnnnnnot get ahead. Just when I think I can it all falls apart. Oh, heat pump? $8,000, next month new tired $775, next month move $250,000. yeah. no f-ing biggy.
FML.

Some days aren't so bad

I hope to learn to have more of those - non bad days. Focus on things that are positive instead of having the emotional slide when something goes wrong. Last night I played volleyball which I haven't done in over a month. It was good. I found out a friend is unexpectedly having her first baby. This was great news. My beau and I went to an amazing buffet dinner and played some slots. Even though we didn't win it was great.

Then this morning I got a message from the cable company wanting to discuss my concerns about billing. Immediate downward spiral. Instantly I fell into a deep depression. I thought this was all going to be taken care of. I thought they would just do the right thing and send me a refund. But instead I have to call, which is a high anxiety issue for me, and I instantly started planning for the person to belittle me and be an a$#hole. This tension is the sweat down the back, heart flutter, can't breathe type thing.

I had therapy today so didn't call him back. After talking with her I have a plan of action to take control of the situation. but I'm still terrified.

Therapy was very helpful today. We went through a totally random dream I had where I was stabbing Mike Meyers with a fork - HA! Now the other details of the dream were extremely important and helpful for seeing what some of my triggers might be. Next week we will start going through triggers and how to start changing my understanding of them in relation to my current life.

Work this week is 62 hours. I'm 1/3 of the way through. Up at 4am so I'm a gonna peace out.

You know that feeling?

The one where you've put off something for years - let's say seven years - because you're messed up and any type of confrontation sets you on an instant spiral into tears and self hate - even though you did nothing wrong. It's just the reaction you have thanks to PTSD.
and then when, thanks to the support of someone amazing, you take care of the issue and suddenly can move on.

That's me right now. Seven years ago I moved and my roommate took over the cable bill. They sent someone out, changed out the machine, gave them a new phone number, and never cancelled my account even though they said they would and later had. So fast forward seven years and the money was still being taken monthly from my account. Unless you understand my level of pure, gripping fear of talking to the cable company and the issues surrounding PTSD you will never, ever understand the pure torment I lived in for all of these years - including four months when I was unemployed and watching every single penny - knowing that the monthly charge was still coming. To anyone who is saying "idiot" you have no concept of how or why this was so difficult for me.

But it is past.

Today I took in my tax returns from 2008 to prove that I hadn't lived at the address since 2008 AND they were able to see in their files that TWO consecutive accounts were running - one was mine that THEY never deleted and the other was the ROOMMATES that was set-up after I left. Someone had set up two identical addresses in the system.

Account deleted!

Monthly savings diverted to something I want - a trip.

Truthfully I hope they reimburse me EVERYTHING they have ever over charged me but in reality I doubt that will happen. At this point I am using it as a money saver. Keeping my hard earned money with ME. I have been using my CBT/ABCDs as much as possible through this issue and through my massive anxiety attack today - shaking, sweating, hyperventilating, and nearly passing out.
A ctivating event: having the cable company bill me again - having to go talk to the cable company
B elief system - companies are out to get you. I will be treated as an incompetent person and my integrity will be questioned. I will be told I am wrong even though I am in the right.
C onsequnces (emotional) of A/B - belittlement of self, anger, frustration, embarrassment, distrust, anxiety
D isputing irrational thoughts and beliefs - I have no idea who I will be working with or their reaction to my situation. Without the monthly financial burden I will feel better about my money management. It is my money and I have done nothing wrong.
E ffects (emotional and cognitive) of revised beliefs - sense of empowerment, accomplishment, relaxed, calm

And the beat goes on...

Let the meltdowns being

Last night was rough. I had the overwhelming emotional pain - the kind that makes it feel like your insides are trying to explode but from a source you can't describe. It's the pain of watching your favorite pet die or the pain when you hear your mom is dead. It's an ache that builds and builds until you feel breathless and burning and you wish you would just die to take the pain away.

I still don't really know what brought on this bought of it. I still can't figure out an instigating moment. Just that I feel like a constant failure - someone with no purpose while others around me thrive on their purpose. Feeling like I'm wasting other's time and oxygen. Trying so hard to let go of the idea that I could actually be special and do something amazing. In reality I am simply a drone. Not smart enough to figure out something unique but smart enough to be very aware of that.

Before my sob fest I did accomplish quite a few things. We did a dump run (our truck had been packed and ready to go for a while), I took piles of recycling from the holidays, I did two rounds of dishes since they had piled up, and I worked on putting away all the bags of things in our little downstairs dining room. I scrubbed the front of the bathroom vanity and took out the overflowing trash and recycling.

Well as they say - today's a new day. I'm trying hard to feel anything right now. Or perhaps the void is the best thing to "not" feel. It isn't pain it's just waiting for the pain to come back.

Made it

to a new year...

Happy new year. Or "average" new year - or whatever you're feeling. I've been bitten hard by the travel bug over the past few weeks. Need for change. Bored. All that jazz.

The beau and I made a list of places we'd like to go. Now if we only had the money to do it.

I made a list of things I'd like to upgrade for the house. Now if we only had the money to do it.

Oh, and did I mention our furnace went out? Estimates so far are between $7 and $8k. Yeah sure I have that just sitting around.

So until the furnace is fixed - no trips, no house upgrades, no savings for a new house (trust me we are thankful to have a place to live but it isn't ours and has too many bad memories attache to it).

Trying to be thankful. Trying to look forward to something.

Today we are doing a dump run and I am washing our comforters. I guess that's something. Trying to find happiness and a sense of achievement in the little things.

So "new year" to you.