Last night was rough. I had the overwhelming emotional pain - the kind that makes it feel like your insides are trying to explode but from a source you can't describe. It's the pain of watching your favorite pet die or the pain when you hear your mom is dead. It's an ache that builds and builds until you feel breathless and burning and you wish you would just die to take the pain away.
I still don't really know what brought on this bought of it. I still can't figure out an instigating moment. Just that I feel like a constant failure - someone with no purpose while others around me thrive on their purpose. Feeling like I'm wasting other's time and oxygen. Trying so hard to let go of the idea that I could actually be special and do something amazing. In reality I am simply a drone. Not smart enough to figure out something unique but smart enough to be very aware of that.
Before my sob fest I did accomplish quite a few things. We did a dump run (our truck had been packed and ready to go for a while), I took piles of recycling from the holidays, I did two rounds of dishes since they had piled up, and I worked on putting away all the bags of things in our little downstairs dining room. I scrubbed the front of the bathroom vanity and took out the overflowing trash and recycling.
Well as they say - today's a new day. I'm trying hard to feel anything right now. Or perhaps the void is the best thing to "not" feel. It isn't pain it's just waiting for the pain to come back.
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