Second therapy session.
I couldn't even remember what we talked about.
I remember crying.
In the long run the take-away from today was that I need to look beyond the materialism of items and look at the other things that they bring to me. Since my trip to Zambia this summer I have had extreme guilt buying anything -even food. I beat myself up when I make a purchase since I know the lack of everything that my sponsored kids have. The therapist was able to help me consider the other outcomes of many purchases. For example, last week I purchased Thai food for $30 - the monthly income for one the families I support. Although the food was amazing, I just couldn't enjoy it because of my guilt. Instead, the therapist pointed out that the food besides simply being something for nourishment was also a catalyst of relationship building since my beau and I enjoyed the meal together. Her recommendation was to eat at the restaurant next time for the full experience.
This actually made a lot of sense to me. Yesterday at work I work a top I purchased from Walmart six years ago (don't judge on the Walmart - I purchased it for an unexpected interview and haven't been back since). I noticed yesterday that the material is so worn it has stretch to my knees. I'm a tall gal so this is quite a feat. Also there are about six holes in it. I kept telling myself that they weren't noticeable, or that I'd fix them. I was too guilty to purchase a new top - to spend the money. The therapist walked me through purchasing a new top - instead of a $100 top, purchase a $50 top. This is prudent shopping/money spending. The top will make you feel more put together for work, which will help you feel better and will provide the chance for more confidence. This increase in confidence will also be reflected in the way your coworkers respond. So essentially the cost of the top is no longer $50 for "a top" it is $50 for a confidence and moral booster. She essentially put it into experience perspective for me. What experience will I get out the object? If the resulting experience is significant then the purchase is prudent.
This is what I will practice this week - Black Friday weekend... oh dear. I've already started and emptied multiple online shopping bags. Hopefully I can figure this out and feel more comfortable actually spending money on myself. This goes deeper than just a shirt for work too. I haven't had my hair cut in a year because I don't want to spend the money or time. I've only had one pedicure in my life. I've never had my makeup done. Etc. These are things I will need to learn to accept to help me feel better about myself.
And so the quest for a peaceful soul continues.
Wednesday, November 26, 2014
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Overbooked
Once again I said yes to too much.
Taking two classes
Working full time in an odd rotation shift (last week I worked 60 hours)
Sole breadwinner
Delivering packs for a local school's backpack program (had to pack them tonight after I turned in a 9-page paper and a video montage plus reading four chapters and taking a quiz).
After school delivery driving 45 minutes to monitor donors at the blood drive, then driving 45 minutes home.
Work on Tuesday from 7 - 3 then finish Thanksgiving shopping at Costco (!)
Wednesday therapy appointment
Thursday Thanksgiving meal
and then finally. Friday comes with nothing more to do but catch up the week's cleaning and school work and all the other projects I expected to accomplish over this looooong break.
Sunday - a treat! a massage! then driving two hours to my mom's, spending the night, and then a meeting in Tacoma and then driving home (2.5 hours) and then back to work Tuesday night.
why? why can't I say no? I simply overwhelm myself and end up in exhaustion. Perhaps it is an odd addiction. Some people drink to forget their misery, I over exert myself to ignore my real problems.
My goal this whole week is to not do anything that isn't already on my schedule. No more "sure" no more "sounds great" - I need to finish these initial projects before moving on.
Taking two classes
Working full time in an odd rotation shift (last week I worked 60 hours)
Sole breadwinner
Delivering packs for a local school's backpack program (had to pack them tonight after I turned in a 9-page paper and a video montage plus reading four chapters and taking a quiz).
After school delivery driving 45 minutes to monitor donors at the blood drive, then driving 45 minutes home.
Work on Tuesday from 7 - 3 then finish Thanksgiving shopping at Costco (!)
Wednesday therapy appointment
Thursday Thanksgiving meal
and then finally. Friday comes with nothing more to do but catch up the week's cleaning and school work and all the other projects I expected to accomplish over this looooong break.
Sunday - a treat! a massage! then driving two hours to my mom's, spending the night, and then a meeting in Tacoma and then driving home (2.5 hours) and then back to work Tuesday night.
why? why can't I say no? I simply overwhelm myself and end up in exhaustion. Perhaps it is an odd addiction. Some people drink to forget their misery, I over exert myself to ignore my real problems.
My goal this whole week is to not do anything that isn't already on my schedule. No more "sure" no more "sounds great" - I need to finish these initial projects before moving on.
Thursday, November 20, 2014
Kitchen Issues - Let the purge begin
The upstairs kitchen is a mess. This is roughly how it was left when grandma moved. We have already packed over half of the stuff jammed into the cupboards and still have half to go. We spend most of yesterday going through these remaining spaces (and I really mean there were at least 10 cupboards left) plus the tops, to sort, wrap, and pack, and clean.
This process was a great reminder to me that I really don't need about half of the things I have. I am the only one who has any interest in them and the thought of someone else packing things like I've packed her stuff - ugh. To me the saddest part is that none of it's even nice. It's all plastic or made in China. It isn't heirloom, it isn't something to pass down to the grand kids. It's all commercialized crap.
And, yes. That is carpet in the kitchen.
I had my first appointment yesterday - the gal seems on it. It was a standard "get to know you" type session. Tears from me and orientation questions from her. I left exhausted and invigorated all at once. But today all I could focus on again was how much I hurt and don't hurt - just empty. The therapist explained that some of the things I recounted sounded more like PTSD than depression.So I spent much of the day trying to come to grips with the fact that I may not even have depression and trying to pinpoint what may have happened. All while being at the job I'm not over fond of but acutely aware that I should be grateful for it. Sigh.
Next appointment is next Wednesday - diving into more I'm sure. I was good to myself though - I had a deep tissue massage to correct the neck pain I've been having and I and taking 9 days off between the 22nd and Dec. 1st!
Friday, November 14, 2014
Therapy
I start therapy on Wednesday. Why? That in itself is a puddle of murky answers. You reach in to get the one you think is it and the ripple sends it just out of reach, swirling with the other millions of issues you have. Well, that I have. This most recent bought of extreme depression is most likely a result of:
1. Post-trip depression - I spent nearly a year planning a trip to Zambia with my mom. The trip concluded August 10th when I returned to work. But work sure isn't a once in a life-time trip! I am sure I am coming down from major anxiety and adrenalin. Zambia is a country of extreme poverty - like 90% of the population is in poverty. I met two girls I sponsor and saw their living conditions. And now I feel guilt. Extreme guilt for buying a fancy coffee. Extreme guilt for having a free education. Extreme guilt for breathing clean air. And extreme guilt for not knowing what I can do.
One of the girls and I had an amazing connection. Both of her parents passed away, her mother earlier this year. I started looking at adoption. What could I do to get her over here? I found a family who had recently adopted from Zambia and according to the newspaper they had laid the groundwork for future adoptions! Fantastic! Not so. He talked with me about his process (which I greatly appreciated) but it included spending over $50k + buying a car for someone + a letter from a supreme court judge + being married for 35 years + making $10K donations ... you get the picture. There was no groundwork for the common person. surprise.
2. I don't like my job - I work rotating shifts so some shifts I work 12-hour days some 12-hour nights. There is a 5-week pattern to this mayhem but each week I shift between days and nights and back to days. I don't work a week of nights, have a week off and then work days. For example, this weeks I work Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night. I get off work Tuesday at 6am. Thursday I am back to work at 6am. I essentially have one day off to change from nights to days. And because of this weirdness I will work 60 hours, plus two hours commuting each day. SIXTY HOURS. And even weirder is because of the way our "work week" falls - I get ZERO overtime for this. None. I have been doing this job for two years. And to top it off the person I was working with the most is an idiot. Not just a "oh, I work with an idiot" but truly someone who didn't deserve the job. Someone who knew someone. Someone who didn't even make the minimum qualifications for the position but still got it. Someone who talks nearly non-stop for the 12-hour shift about things no one cares about. No one. Like the way she didn't learn to tie her shoe laces right. Or the way her "totes adorb" baby got a new $100 jacket. She is narcissistic. "Oh, you have to see this picture I took" as she shoves her phone in your face. No, actually I don't have to. Stop controlling my life. Anyway, it got do bad I asked my manager to swap positions which the gal took super personal (see narcissist) and tried to blame all of her anger and sadness on me - luckily my manager can't stand her so sided with me but it was another layer of stress. Oh, and did I mention I still have to work with her...on the 60 hour shift. She just can't understand why I don't share with her. (There's more anger towards her - including a lack of trust for something she spread to the rest of the group - hmmm maybe that's why I don't talk with you anymore?!)
Besides the wicked hours and the nutz coworker my job provides little excitement for me. I do the same task every hour. repeat. There is little creativity possible. And the final kicker - the work I do is just on a simulator - it isn't even the real thing. I simply simulate an output and then someone else tells that number to someone else who confirms that the real thing can actually do it.
3. I do too much - I am not a type A. But I try to act like I am one and then I get in over my head. I say yes to too much and work myself to the bone. I do everything for everyone and nothing for myself. I don't take personal time, reflective time (until now, typing this up) and I feel like I'm going crazy. I am an introvert and I need personal time. Instead I work full-time, play on three volleyball teams, am taking two college courses, manage the webpage for a food bank, manage the backpack program for the food bank, volunteer for the blood bank, and am a board member for a safe-house. On top of this I clean, grocery shop, and try to create a new business.
4. We hate where we live - We live in his grandmother's house - which until two months go we didn't even own a share in. My beau left his job and I found a new one so that we could move and he could care for his grandmother. She has since moved into a home and we are still living here. Yes, it is rent free, but the emotional trauma of caring for his grandmother (trust me a whole other post will describe this family horror) and the fact that everything was left behind. We are still living in the basement of this four bedroom, three bathroom, view home because we have no clue when she's going to pass and what will happen to the house when she does. I am the only one who has put any money into it - including paint, flooring, etc to try to get the value up. Grandma lived here for 20 years and did no maintenance. The house smells of must and still has only primer on the walls. It's like living in an institution. I never want to come home because stepping in the door is a reminder of everything that needs to be done (see my issue #2).
5. I have depression anyway - Since I was little I've had major depression. I remember when I was four trying to tear apart my teddy bear in anger and frustration but didn't because I knew we couldn't afford a new one. I remember sobbing for hours alone in my room. Literally sobbing. Hitting my head against the wall because I wanted to die. What kid under 5 does that and has a memory of it?
Again, my depression has gotten so bad these past few months I'm back to suicidal thoughts. As I told the intake the only thing stopping me is a sense of guilt and obligation to my family (my mom and beau and my pets). I've only been this low three times (that I can remember) so I knew I had to do something.
"Fixes" - I know nothing actually fixes my issues but I despise the word "goal" because when I fail to meet them I feel worse.
1. Therapy.
2. I take a vitamin/supplement cocktail inconsistently because my schedule is so jacked up. I will take care of myself by ensuring that I find a way to be consistent.
3. Reduce the amount of soda I drink to two cans a day but Dec. 31
4. Take 15 minutes a day for myself (NOT counting alone time on my commute like I have before).
5. Move into the upstairs. Get the S&^T cleaned up - grandma's stuff out and move on with my life.
5. Say no to any and all new projects. Delegate better to my beau and help him trust himself that he can accomplish a lot when I'm not holding his hand.
Looking forward,
Julie
1. Post-trip depression - I spent nearly a year planning a trip to Zambia with my mom. The trip concluded August 10th when I returned to work. But work sure isn't a once in a life-time trip! I am sure I am coming down from major anxiety and adrenalin. Zambia is a country of extreme poverty - like 90% of the population is in poverty. I met two girls I sponsor and saw their living conditions. And now I feel guilt. Extreme guilt for buying a fancy coffee. Extreme guilt for having a free education. Extreme guilt for breathing clean air. And extreme guilt for not knowing what I can do.
One of the girls and I had an amazing connection. Both of her parents passed away, her mother earlier this year. I started looking at adoption. What could I do to get her over here? I found a family who had recently adopted from Zambia and according to the newspaper they had laid the groundwork for future adoptions! Fantastic! Not so. He talked with me about his process (which I greatly appreciated) but it included spending over $50k + buying a car for someone + a letter from a supreme court judge + being married for 35 years + making $10K donations ... you get the picture. There was no groundwork for the common person. surprise.
2. I don't like my job - I work rotating shifts so some shifts I work 12-hour days some 12-hour nights. There is a 5-week pattern to this mayhem but each week I shift between days and nights and back to days. I don't work a week of nights, have a week off and then work days. For example, this weeks I work Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night. I get off work Tuesday at 6am. Thursday I am back to work at 6am. I essentially have one day off to change from nights to days. And because of this weirdness I will work 60 hours, plus two hours commuting each day. SIXTY HOURS. And even weirder is because of the way our "work week" falls - I get ZERO overtime for this. None. I have been doing this job for two years. And to top it off the person I was working with the most is an idiot. Not just a "oh, I work with an idiot" but truly someone who didn't deserve the job. Someone who knew someone. Someone who didn't even make the minimum qualifications for the position but still got it. Someone who talks nearly non-stop for the 12-hour shift about things no one cares about. No one. Like the way she didn't learn to tie her shoe laces right. Or the way her "totes adorb" baby got a new $100 jacket. She is narcissistic. "Oh, you have to see this picture I took" as she shoves her phone in your face. No, actually I don't have to. Stop controlling my life. Anyway, it got do bad I asked my manager to swap positions which the gal took super personal (see narcissist) and tried to blame all of her anger and sadness on me - luckily my manager can't stand her so sided with me but it was another layer of stress. Oh, and did I mention I still have to work with her...on the 60 hour shift. She just can't understand why I don't share with her. (There's more anger towards her - including a lack of trust for something she spread to the rest of the group - hmmm maybe that's why I don't talk with you anymore?!)
Besides the wicked hours and the nutz coworker my job provides little excitement for me. I do the same task every hour. repeat. There is little creativity possible. And the final kicker - the work I do is just on a simulator - it isn't even the real thing. I simply simulate an output and then someone else tells that number to someone else who confirms that the real thing can actually do it.
3. I do too much - I am not a type A. But I try to act like I am one and then I get in over my head. I say yes to too much and work myself to the bone. I do everything for everyone and nothing for myself. I don't take personal time, reflective time (until now, typing this up) and I feel like I'm going crazy. I am an introvert and I need personal time. Instead I work full-time, play on three volleyball teams, am taking two college courses, manage the webpage for a food bank, manage the backpack program for the food bank, volunteer for the blood bank, and am a board member for a safe-house. On top of this I clean, grocery shop, and try to create a new business.
4. We hate where we live - We live in his grandmother's house - which until two months go we didn't even own a share in. My beau left his job and I found a new one so that we could move and he could care for his grandmother. She has since moved into a home and we are still living here. Yes, it is rent free, but the emotional trauma of caring for his grandmother (trust me a whole other post will describe this family horror) and the fact that everything was left behind. We are still living in the basement of this four bedroom, three bathroom, view home because we have no clue when she's going to pass and what will happen to the house when she does. I am the only one who has put any money into it - including paint, flooring, etc to try to get the value up. Grandma lived here for 20 years and did no maintenance. The house smells of must and still has only primer on the walls. It's like living in an institution. I never want to come home because stepping in the door is a reminder of everything that needs to be done (see my issue #2).
5. I have depression anyway - Since I was little I've had major depression. I remember when I was four trying to tear apart my teddy bear in anger and frustration but didn't because I knew we couldn't afford a new one. I remember sobbing for hours alone in my room. Literally sobbing. Hitting my head against the wall because I wanted to die. What kid under 5 does that and has a memory of it?
Again, my depression has gotten so bad these past few months I'm back to suicidal thoughts. As I told the intake the only thing stopping me is a sense of guilt and obligation to my family (my mom and beau and my pets). I've only been this low three times (that I can remember) so I knew I had to do something.
"Fixes" - I know nothing actually fixes my issues but I despise the word "goal" because when I fail to meet them I feel worse.
1. Therapy.
2. I take a vitamin/supplement cocktail inconsistently because my schedule is so jacked up. I will take care of myself by ensuring that I find a way to be consistent.
3. Reduce the amount of soda I drink to two cans a day but Dec. 31
4. Take 15 minutes a day for myself (NOT counting alone time on my commute like I have before).
5. Move into the upstairs. Get the S&^T cleaned up - grandma's stuff out and move on with my life.
5. Say no to any and all new projects. Delegate better to my beau and help him trust himself that he can accomplish a lot when I'm not holding his hand.
Looking forward,
Julie
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