Therapy

I start therapy on Wednesday. Why? That in itself is a puddle of murky answers. You reach in to get the one you think is it and the ripple sends it just out of reach, swirling with the other millions of issues you have. Well, that I have. This most recent bought of extreme depression is most likely a result of:

1. Post-trip depression - I spent nearly a year planning a trip to Zambia with my mom. The trip concluded August 10th when I returned to work. But work sure isn't a once in a life-time trip! I am sure I am coming down from major anxiety and adrenalin. Zambia is a country of extreme poverty - like 90% of the population is in poverty. I met two girls I sponsor and saw their living conditions. And now I feel guilt. Extreme guilt for buying a fancy coffee. Extreme guilt for having a free education. Extreme guilt for breathing clean air. And extreme guilt for not knowing what I can do.

One of the girls and I had an amazing connection. Both of her parents passed away, her mother earlier this year. I started looking at adoption. What could I do to get her over here? I found a family who had recently adopted from Zambia and according to the newspaper they had laid the groundwork for future adoptions! Fantastic! Not so. He talked with me about his process (which I greatly appreciated) but it included spending over $50k + buying a car for someone + a letter from a supreme court judge + being married for 35 years + making $10K donations ... you get the picture. There was no groundwork for the common person. surprise.

2. I don't like my job - I work rotating shifts so some shifts I work 12-hour days some 12-hour nights. There is a 5-week pattern to this mayhem but each week I shift between days and nights and back to days. I don't work a week of nights, have a week off and then work days. For example, this weeks I work Saturday, Sunday, and Monday night. I get off work Tuesday at 6am. Thursday I am back to work at 6am. I essentially have one day off to change from nights to days. And because of this weirdness I will work 60 hours, plus two hours commuting each day. SIXTY HOURS. And even weirder is because of the way our "work week" falls - I get ZERO overtime for this. None. I have been doing this job for two years. And to top it off the person I was working with the most is an idiot. Not just a "oh, I work with an idiot" but truly someone who didn't deserve the job. Someone who knew someone. Someone who didn't even make the minimum qualifications for the position but still got it. Someone who talks nearly non-stop for the 12-hour shift about things no one cares about. No one. Like the way she didn't learn to tie her shoe laces right. Or the way her "totes adorb" baby got a new $100 jacket. She is narcissistic. "Oh, you have to see this picture I took" as she shoves her phone in your face. No, actually I don't have to. Stop controlling my life. Anyway, it got do bad I asked my manager to swap positions which the gal took super personal (see narcissist) and tried to blame all of her anger and sadness on me - luckily my manager can't stand her so sided with me but it was another layer of stress. Oh, and did I mention I still have to work with her...on the 60 hour shift. She just can't understand why I don't share with her. (There's more anger towards her - including a lack of trust for something she spread to the rest of the group - hmmm maybe that's why I don't talk with you anymore?!)

Besides the wicked hours and the nutz coworker my job provides little excitement for me. I do the same task every hour. repeat. There is little creativity possible. And the final kicker - the work I do is just on a simulator - it isn't even the real thing. I simply simulate an output and then someone else tells that number to someone else who confirms that the real thing can actually do it.

3. I do too much - I am not a type A. But I try to act like I am one and then I get in over my head. I say yes to too much and work myself to the bone. I do everything for everyone and nothing for myself. I don't take personal time, reflective time (until now, typing this up) and I feel like I'm going crazy. I am an introvert and I need personal time. Instead I work full-time, play on three volleyball teams, am taking two college courses, manage the webpage for a food bank, manage the backpack program for the food bank, volunteer for the blood bank, and am a board member for a safe-house. On top of this I clean, grocery shop, and try to create a new business.

4. We hate where we live - We live in his grandmother's house - which until two months go we didn't even own a share in. My beau left his job and I found a new one so that we could move and he could care for his grandmother. She has since moved into a home and we are still living here. Yes, it is rent free, but the emotional trauma of caring for his grandmother (trust me a whole other post will describe this family horror) and the fact that everything was left behind. We are still living in the basement of this four bedroom, three bathroom, view home because we have no clue when she's going to pass and what will happen to the house when she does. I am the only one who has put any money into it - including paint, flooring, etc to try to get the value up. Grandma lived here for 20 years and did no maintenance. The house smells of must and still has only primer on the walls. It's like living in an institution. I never want to come home because stepping in the door is a reminder of everything that needs to be done (see my issue #2).

5. I have depression anyway - Since I was little I've had major depression. I remember when I was four trying to tear apart my teddy bear in anger and frustration but didn't because I knew we couldn't afford a new one. I remember sobbing for hours alone in my room. Literally sobbing. Hitting my head against the wall because I wanted to die. What kid under 5 does that and has a memory of it?

Again, my depression has gotten so bad these past few months I'm back to suicidal thoughts. As I told the intake the only thing stopping me is a sense of guilt and obligation to my family (my mom and beau and my pets). I've only been this low three times (that I can remember) so I knew I had to do something.


"Fixes" - I know nothing actually fixes my issues but I despise the word "goal" because when I fail to meet them I feel worse.

1. Therapy.
2. I take a vitamin/supplement cocktail inconsistently because my schedule is so jacked up. I will take care of myself by ensuring that I find a way to be consistent.
3. Reduce the amount of soda I drink to two cans a day but Dec. 31
4. Take 15 minutes a day for myself (NOT counting alone time on my commute like I have before).
5. Move into the upstairs. Get the S&^T cleaned up - grandma's stuff out and move on with my life.
5. Say no to any and all new projects. Delegate better to my beau and help him trust himself that he can accomplish a lot when I'm not holding his hand.

Looking forward,
Julie