Second therapy session.
I couldn't even remember what we talked about.
I remember crying.

In the long run the take-away from today was that I need to look beyond the materialism of items and look at the other things that they bring to me. Since my trip to Zambia this summer I have had extreme guilt buying anything -even food. I beat myself up when I make a purchase since I know the lack of everything that my sponsored kids have. The therapist was able to help me consider the other outcomes of many purchases. For example, last week I purchased Thai food for $30 - the monthly income for one the families I support. Although the food was amazing, I just couldn't enjoy it because of my guilt. Instead, the therapist pointed out that the food besides simply being something for nourishment was also a catalyst of relationship building since my beau and I enjoyed the meal together. Her recommendation was to eat at the restaurant next time for the full experience.

This actually made a lot of sense to me. Yesterday at work I work a top I purchased from Walmart six years ago (don't judge on the Walmart - I purchased it for an unexpected interview and haven't been back since). I noticed yesterday that the material is so worn it has stretch to my knees. I'm a tall gal so this is quite a feat. Also there are about six holes in it. I kept telling myself that they weren't noticeable, or that I'd fix them. I was too guilty to purchase a new top - to spend the money. The therapist walked me through purchasing a new top - instead of a $100 top, purchase a $50 top. This is prudent shopping/money spending. The top will make you feel more put together for work, which will help you feel better and will provide the chance for more confidence. This increase in confidence will also be reflected in the way your coworkers respond. So essentially the cost of the top is no longer $50 for "a top" it is $50 for a confidence and moral booster. She essentially put it into experience perspective for me. What experience will I get out the object? If the resulting experience is significant then the purchase is prudent.

This is what I will practice this week - Black Friday weekend... oh dear. I've already started and emptied multiple online shopping bags. Hopefully I can figure this out and feel more comfortable actually spending money on myself. This goes deeper than just a shirt for work too. I haven't had my hair cut in a year because I don't want to spend the money or time. I've only had one pedicure in my life. I've never had my makeup done. Etc. These are things I will need to learn to accept to help me feel better about myself.

And so the quest for a peaceful soul continues.